STILL STRUGGLING

It has been a long time since I started this blog to express my pain and frustration over my son's drug addiction.  So many things have happened since then.  Many good, way too many bad.

We got over meth, went to heroin, shooting cocaine.  Depression, suicidal thoughts....  We've gone the gambit.

He has obtained and lost jobs - some that were good for him - some that only made things worse.  He has gained then lost dozens of pounds depending on his drug of choice for that time period.

He has totalled my husband's truck when he fell asleep while driving and God was good enough to let him walk away without a bruise.

Now he is in jail.

I left for Cuba for a few weeks. I KNEW he was going to end up in jail but I had to BREATH.  I had to get away.  When I came back he was in jail.  In the psych ward.  On suicide watch.  In the most horrible facility I have ever seen.

The charges are not serious and he wont be there long but it had to happen.  As much as I've cried and as horrible as it has been, I'd rather go visit him in jail than in a graveyard.  At least I know he is not overdosing somewhere.

He is okay now.  The suicidal thoughts come from the effects of not getting drugs.  His body, his mind and his soul is exhausted.  He tells me he feels 100 years old.

My beautiful boy.  Just looking at him makes my heart hurt.  He has never been happy.  Ever.  He has been searching for something his whole life that totally eludes him.  Lately he has been extremely depressed about  being "alone".  That all he has is me and his dog.  That nobody cares about him.  Of course that is not true and hopefully the anti-depressants will help.

Someone has finally realized that he suffers from bi-polar disorder.  Maybe now they will know how to help him.

I don't know.

What I do know is that sitting across from him these past few days, unshaven, with his head down and trying so hard to keep it together for me; so hard not to cry; looking so ashamed,  has aged me another 10 years.

Oh Charlie!  If you could only see yourself through my eyes.  If you could only see how wonderful you are when you are not on drugs.  How sweet your smile; how beautiful your eyes when they are clear and not foggy and disconnected from your surroundings.  If you only realized the potential you have.  If you only realized how much you are loved.

My beautiful boy.  I love you so very very much.