Friday, May 6, 2011


My Charlie went to rehab in Feburary. He was smoking meth... popping pills... snorting cocaine... just about anything he could get his hands on that would keep him high. But the meth... oh that drug is vicious! Vicious! It even scared HIM.

He called me on the 16th of February and told me he needed help. That he couldn't continue to live like that. Told me he was smoking meth - showed me the blisters in his mouth. I wanted to fall on my knees and cry out - I wanted to HURT someone - ANYONE. But I stood there and told him I loved him and that if he really wanted the help I would find it.

And I did. The very next day, February 17, he went to California for rehab. Didn't stay as long as he should have. He came back "determined" not to do drugs and for weeks he seemed to be okay. Then one day he comes home and I SEE it in his eyes. He used again. He didn't deny it. Told me he "slipped" - that it would not happen again.

This past weekend, he left the beach on Saturday after Maddie's first birthday party and I didn't see him again until Wednesday. The problem is that no matter how high he is, how screwed up he is, he calls me 10 times a day... just to say hi... to tell me he loves me... to tell me he is OKAY, he is SOBER... "Don't worry mom, I'm not doing anything." I tell him I don't believe him and so he continues to call to "reassure" me. I don't think he even remembers he does that. Yet I can hear in his voice - his very drugged voice - that he feels guilty for letting me down.

I don't know what drugs he used this weekend. I guess it really doesn't make any difference.

He is using again and my heart is once again broken in 1000 pieces.


  1. Oh Elena, my dear, dear friend - how my heart aches for you. I will continue to pray and trust that God is still working on charlie, that He's not yet done with him (Jeremiah 29:11).

  2. Dear Elena, I just had to say how sorry I am, and don't give up. Your son is fighting a demon that doesn't want to let go. My 45 year old stepson is still fighting the demon, and has been since he was 16. And we're hopeful he's winning. We parents can never give up hope.

    On a personal note, You need to take care of yourself, & enjoy your marriage kids & grandbabies. This is top priority. Never let yourself feel guilty when you have happy moments, thinking you shouldn't be happy when your son is struggling. You have a God given right to be happy & you owe it to yourself & your family.
    My own son didn't straighten up his drug issues until he started studying the Bible with Jehovah's Witnesses. Like them or not, they gave him a reason to get off the drugs, and he's been clean, happy & back to his old self for 5 years now, and back to being a part of the family.
    I just had to put my 2 cents in & let you know there's someone else out there that totally understands. Pam

  3. My heart goes out to you! DON'T GIVE UP ON HIM!! You are the ONE STABLE thing that is the rock in his life and that is why he always comes back to you... Keep the faith and turn it over.... God is not done with him yet...your love will help pull him through...but he has to find the reason to pull himself out and he must be struggling with something. Bless his heart and yours... I wish you didn't have to go through this my friend. HUGS,

  4. Oh Sweeetie,its so wearing on you,when I was young people would say of me,"she's got balls that one",or "it will take a strong man to tame her".Now I have no balls, I am a weak shell beaten down by the worry and stress of raising children.Happy just to get by and cope with what each day may bring.A grizzling medicated mush bag. Dont let Charlies' choices define you,you love him but they are HIS choices, HIS life, you must stay positive and get what you can out of yours.Your wonderful hubby and grandchildren.Blessings!